Daintycakes » Funny

Three Things Thursday (that’s apparently what real bloggers do)

Daintycakes — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 02:00:35 +0000

1. My tolerance of liquor has diminished in some interesting ways. I find myself, as I get older, stomaching wine better and beer worse, and about the only things i can have in mixed drinks are tequila and liqueurs (whisky and whiskey are taken straight, obviously, or with a splash of Drambuie.) Consequently, i’m trying some pretty specific cocktail recipes that are outside the norm (for me.) Though I almost exclusively post drunk, I don’t drink very much in general, and you, kind audience, are the beneficiaries of my inebriated ramblings AND my liquid confection discoveries. Hence, tonight’s drink of choice, the Paloma. It’s like a margarita without the work of making a margarita, though I took mine without salted rim today. I used Joia’s grapefruit/chamomile/some other thing soda, which, while not traditional, is in fact my favourite grapefruit soda and made a lovely refreshing beverage.

2. I find the whole concept of “Three Things Thursday” to be somewhat shallow and vague enough to be abused. Case in point: I didn’t want to write a post about just booze, on account of that makes me look like an alcoholic. I also wanted to post a picture of my cats. Hence, by writing/posting on both aforementioned topics in addition to revealing my true feelings on “Three Things Thursday,” I was able to write a coherent post and prove my point while disproving my point. That means I win at the internet.

3. My cats are awesome.

says Beefcake, "Nova's the meat in a kittycuddle sandwich."

Sunday Reckoning – drunken links edition

Daintycakes — Mon, 20 Aug 2012 04:09:51 +0000

I’m WAY to drunk to do anything resembling a normal post, so here’s a list of random things:

1. I went to the Almelund Threshing Shown last weekend. This is what thresing is:

Simply the most captivating tractor show in all of existence. Enthralling!

2. Beefcake: “Let me at those buns.”
Daintycakes: “No Goddamn it”
Beefcake: “That was really funny.”

3. Last week, I made some very awesome yarn:

4. Beefcake: “I’m not thinking about buns, I’m playing Star Wars!”

5. This weekend (aka today before I got drunk) I made BREAD!

AND JAM!

6. Girl Talk’s “All Day” may be concurrently the most captivating album ever and the best background music ever.

7. At one point tonight, I pointed out to Beefcake that he was, in fact, the most upper-middle class white guy ever, and he legit responded with “I’m going medieval.” He was playing “Mount and Blade.” Beefcake rarely drinks, and almost never gets drunk, but today, all bets are off and he plays by his own rules; he’s a loose cannon. And he’s really easy to entertain.

8. Ladies are made out of breakfast food.

9. Apparently, it’s MUCH easier to grind at Star Wars: The Old Republic while drunk than it is while sober. This is not a quote from Beefcake, apparently. He’s just running around talking to people and there’s NO benefit…

Cheers, bitches!

Two Realizations

Daintycakes — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 03:28:12 +0000

It’s been a while since I’ve done a boozy post, and it’s late and I’m out of wine now, so here are ~~two~~ three things I’ve realized in the last 20 minutes:

1. If I’m ever allowed to get a mini donkey as a pet, I’m naming it “Hotay.”

2. I was perusing the internets and came across some dumb picture the summary of which was “hey dude wives are DUMB I totally have way more fun with my BROS when WIVES aren’t around! Let’s talk about BOOBS and FARTS like MANLY MEN DO WITHOUT THEIR WIVES AROUND.” Then I realized that boobs came up in the last conversation I had with my friend Hoecakes, and farts, among other bodily functions, come up frequently with both Hoecakes and coworker Boozecakes. Therefore, I am a manly man and also think wives suck. But I am a wife. And thus I am a Shroedinger’s cat of wifeliness.

3. This is the second reasonably accurate Schroedinger’s cat reference I’ve made today.

I also found out that Beefcake doesn’t read my blog. His explanation is that he doesn’t need to, since he “lives it.” He will be full of regret.

ETA: Drunk me is some kind of masochist who insists on watching youtube videos of Air Supply even though the lead singer looks like he wouldn’t hesitate to roofie your ass straight to Monday.

Pincompetence

Daintycakes — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 01:00:46 +0000

Hey guys! PINTEREST OMG! Like all females on the internet, I spend my most useless hours navigating the brain cell gauntlet known as pinterest, carefully curating the most sophisticated of inspiration boards, travelling the self-righteous path of both CREATIVE and PRACTICAL, gracefully cataloguing the most tasteful of home decor, the most delicious of special-occasion deserts, and the quirkiest of outfits and accessories.

Just kidding. I mostly use pinterest to keep track of recipes and craft tutorials, though one of my favorite pins fits into neither of those categories. When I’m not adding recipes and crafts, I’m probably being a jerk to other pinners.

I can’t, for the life of me, understand why people keep repinning the same stupid things OVER AND OVER AND OVER even when they are wrong or stupid or fake. Because I’m both highly analytical and a glutton for punishment, I think I’ve found the three categories into which all of the worst, most awe-inducingly idiotic pins fall in. And, I think, beyond categorizing these pins, one can consequently use deductive reasoning to align all pinterest users into to one of three painfully stupid categories:

1. Pinner type one: Nutrition Idiot. Pins “OMG SO HEALTHY” pins with no nutritional evaluation.

The fact that someone thought that chocolate chip cookies, regardless of the dough ingredients, would have no white sugar or oil in them but somehow magically also have chocolate chips in them blows my fucking mind. Also, your nasty-ass oatmeal smoothie has 370 calories in it if you consume it as the two servings it’s supposed to be. Let’s be honest. You don’t. My eggs and turkey sausage and random fruit are more delicious because they’re not made out of COLD FUCKING OATMEAL, AND I get to have milk and sugar in my coffee.

2. Pinner type two: Research deficient. Pins “OOH PRETTY” pins without bothering to figure out if it’s real or not.

I think my comments speaks for all of us.

3. Pinner type three: PIN ALL THE THINGS, also known as PIN HOARDER. Pins everything.
I can’t illustrate this type of pinner, but seriously, there are pinterest users with THOUSANDS of pins. THOUSANDS. There are probably some with TENS OF THOUSANDS. I can’t imagine having so much spare time and so little motivation that I spend all day long pinning pictures of stuff and never doing anything.

So, there you have it. A random list of what thing on the internet is annoying me this week. Cheers, bitches!

How to tell if you’re a geek or nerd

Daintycakes — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 02:59:56 +0000

It’s Sunday, which means I’m drunk and therefore blogging again! I had made some mediocre grapefruit margaritas, and I was so heartbroken I switched to Frangelico and Kahlua with steamed milk. I suspect tomorrow will bring less-than-pleasant surprises.

So, the internet is full of self-proclaimed nerds and/or geeks. For whatever reason, nerddom and geekdom are popular enterprises nowadays. Like usual, I suspect this is the fault of hipsters, so I’m going to set a few things straight for all five of you reading this.

You are NOT a geek/nerd just because:
-you like something that’s popular A LOT (such as Harry Potter, or some kind of TV show.)
-you like something a lot and think you’re really good at it (like general history or grammar/punctuation.)
-you say you are OMG such a geek or nerd LOL.
-you played a video game once, saw a funny video online, or know what LOLcats are.

You might be a geek/nerd if:
-you play some video games sometimes, especially if you play them obsessively for the first week or two after you get them.
-you make references to video games that you have to explain because everyone else thinks you’re a little whackadoodle.
-things that you think are a good idea mystify other people (caution, this one can also be an indicator that you’re stupid.)

You are probably a geek/nerd if:
-you take the day off of work when your favorite game comes out so you don’t have to shower or anything and can just play all day.
-if you get off work early, you go to the library for fun.
-you watch a lot of documentaries.
-you spend your free time thinking about math, programming, or outer space.

You are definitely a geek/nerd if:
-you have a dice bag.

Aaaaand that should do for this time. Success again!

Why is my oatmeal testing me like this?

Daintycakes — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 01:00:26 +0000

Okay, so if you are either a relatively healthy person, a “healthy living blog” hate-reader, or a pinterest user looking at the food boards, you know that oatmeal is a big deal on the internets right now.

Well, cool. I don’t put a million gross things in my oatmeal to make it not taste like oatmeal, and I sure as shit don’t EAT IT COLD OUT OF A MASON JAR because that’s fucking gross. I do like oatmeal though, preferably the paper packet variety, and if I’m feeling fancy, a few cranberries.

I recently procured some Roundy’s fruit and creme variety of oatmeal and took a packet to work. I noticed something odd…

Is my oatmeal going to judge me if I get it wrong?

So, this is pretty strange. Why in the world someone designing food packaging for a generic-food company decided that what that oatmeal packet really needed to stand out in the world of oatmeal packets was some trivia is completely beyond me, but I’ll play along. What DO minnows have in their throat?

AAHHH! NO NO NO!

WHO in their fucking mind thought that having a trivia question about FISH WITH TOOTHY THROATS was appropriate reading material for someone trying to make and eat their breakfast? Oh, you were going to eat that, well instead how about you enjoy some HORRIFYING MENTAL IMAGERY OF FISH WITH TEETH IN THEIR THROATS?

I haven’t eaten the oatmeal yet. And I’m kind of terrified to check the other packets.

Point/Counterpoint 1

Daintycakes — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 01:00:33 +0000

Point

A: “I had this drink at the bar last night, called Sex with an Alligator.”

D: “What?”

A: “Sex with an Alligator.”

D: “Why would you name it that? You can’t have sex with an alligator!”

A: “Listen, I didn’t name it that. Don’t blame me. The bottom is cherry whatever…”

D: “Cherry…whatever?”

A: “McGillicuddy’s or whatever. Then Midori, then coconut rum. Not Malibu, it’s kind of creamy like coconut milk. Then Jag.”

D: “That sounds revolting.”

A: “You know what? It kind of is. I need to find a new bar.”

Counterpoint

D: “Right now I’m sourcing food-grade lavender, I found a recipe for honey-lavender simple syrup, and a recipe for a lavender-syrup rusty nail.”

A: “Gross. Isn’t lavender a smell?”

Conversations with Beefcake Mansteed 2

Daintycakes — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:00:41 +0000

D: Hey, you have to get up, your alarm went off and today is a workout day.

Beefcake Mansteed: I know, I’m so tired though.

D: I know, I am too, but you gotta do it.

Beefcake Mansteed: I’m really cold.

D: I will for real blow cold air under your blankets if you don’t get up.

Beefcake Mansteed: That’s really mean.

D: Suck it up. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Beefcake Mansteed: Except herpes.

The problem with Star Wars: The Old Republic

Daintycakes — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 01:00:50 +0000

This is a pretty great game, very dynamic, compelling stories for all the characters we’ve made. Everyone in the house is playing Sith, of course, so I’m most familiar with the Sith story and game play. That being said…

1. Why is a great and powerful Sith sorceror taking orders from Empire grunts?
2. This is only applicable to those who bought the Digital Deluxe version, but why is a great and powerful Sith sorceror riding around on the Star Wars equivalent of a Scootypuff Jr.?

As a side note, Beefcake Mansteed had the idea of recreating the ship his Sith character flies in Lego, and was working on plans to do so. However, when converted to Lego scale (people = lego figures) it would have been something like 12 feet long and 5 feet high.

Conversations with Beefcake Mansteed

Daintycakes — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 01:00:51 +0000

D: I have to think of what I’m going to call you on the blog. You know, to maintain my privacy. I can’t use your real name. I was thinking “Beefcake Mansteed.”

Beefcake Mansteed: That’s a terrible name.

D: Really, out of all of the nicknames I’ve give you over the course of our relationship, this one isn’t so bad.

Beefcake Mansteed: Well, I guess you have a point there.

*some time passes*

D: I probably smell like whiskey right now.

Beefcake Mansteed: Yeah, you do.

D: Cougars smell like whiskey. You could pretend I’m a cougar if you wanted to.

Beefcake Mansteed: I don’t want to pretend you’re a cougar.

D: If you’re nice, you can take a field trip to the Cougar Melon Camp!

Beefcake Mansteed: *horrified look*

D: *hysterical laughter*

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