Hey guys! PINTEREST OMG! Like all females on the internet, I spend my most useless hours navigating the brain cell gauntlet known as pinterest, carefully curating the most sophisticated of inspiration boards, travelling the self-righteous path of both CREATIVE and PRACTICAL, gracefully cataloguing the most tasteful of home decor, the most delicious of special-occasion deserts, and the quirkiest of outfits and accessories.

Just kidding. I mostly use pinterest to keep track of recipes and craft tutorials, though one of my favorite pins fits into neither of those categories. When I’m not adding recipes and crafts, I’m probably being a jerk to other pinners.

I can’t, for the life of me, understand why people keep repinning the same stupid things OVER AND OVER AND OVER even when they are wrong or stupid or fake. Because I’m both highly analytical and a glutton for punishment, I think I’ve found the three categories into which all of the worst, most awe-inducingly idiotic pins fall in. And, I think, beyond categorizing these pins, one can consequently use deductive reasoning to align all pinterest users into to one of three painfully stupid categories:

1. Pinner type one: Nutrition Idiot. Pins “OMG SO HEALTHY” pins with no nutritional evaluation.

The fact that someone thought that chocolate chip cookies, regardless of the dough ingredients, would have no white sugar or oil in them but somehow magically also have chocolate chips in them blows my fucking mind. Also, your nasty-ass oatmeal smoothie has 370 calories in it if you consume it as the two servings it’s supposed to be. Let’s be honest. You don’t. My eggs and turkey sausage and random fruit are more delicious because they’re not made out of COLD FUCKING OATMEAL, AND I get to have milk and sugar in my coffee.

2. Pinner type two: Research deficient. Pins “OOH PRETTY” pins without bothering to figure out if it’s real or not.

I think my comments speaks for all of us.

3. Pinner type three: PIN ALL THE THINGS, also known as PIN HOARDER. Pins everything.
I can’t illustrate this type of pinner, but seriously, there are pinterest users with THOUSANDS of pins. THOUSANDS. There are probably some with TENS OF THOUSANDS. I can’t imagine having so much spare time and so little motivation that I spend all day long pinning pictures of stuff and never doing anything.

So, there you have it. A random list of what thing on the internet is annoying me this week. Cheers, bitches!

It’s Sunday, which means I’m drunk and therefore blogging again! I had made some mediocre grapefruit margaritas, and I was so heartbroken I switched to Frangelico and Kahlua with steamed milk. I suspect tomorrow will bring less-than-pleasant surprises.

So, the internet is full of self-proclaimed nerds and/or geeks. For whatever reason, nerddom and geekdom are popular enterprises nowadays. Like usual, I suspect this is the fault of hipsters, so I’m going to set a few things straight for all five of you reading this.

You are NOT a geek/nerd just because:
-you like something that’s popular A LOT (such as Harry Potter, or some kind of TV show.)
-you like something a lot and think you’re really good at it (like general history or grammar/punctuation.)
-you say you are OMG such a geek or nerd LOL.
-you played a video game once, saw a funny video online, or know what LOLcats are.

You might be a geek/nerd if:
-you play some video games sometimes, especially if you play them obsessively for the first week or two after you get them.
-you make references to video games that you have to explain because everyone else thinks you’re a little whackadoodle.
-things that you think are a good idea mystify other people (caution, this one can also be an indicator that you’re stupid.)

You are probably a geek/nerd if:
-you take the day off of work when your favorite game comes out so you don’t have to shower or anything and can just play all day.
-if you get off work early, you go to the library for fun.
-you watch a lot of documentaries.
-you spend your free time thinking about math, programming, or outer space.

You are definitely a geek/nerd if:
-you have a dice bag.

Aaaaand that should do for this time. Success again!

One of my employees recently commented to me that making one’s own clothing seemed like an awfully hipsterish thing to do. Now, I didn’t get too upset with him because he’s clearly stupid, but I thought “well, if he thinks this, there are probably other people who think this too.” As someone who has invested a lot of time, thought, patience, blood, and money into making stuff, including my own clothing, and as someone who fucking hates hipsters, it is in my best interest, and also to the benefit of innocent crafters, artisans, and artists everywhere that I lay out some distinctions between us, and worthless hipsters making stupid shit. I refuse to sit by and let myself, and my compatriots, be painted with such a broad brush. Should you be in question of whether you are a crafter/artisan/artist or a worthless hipster, simply follow the below guidelines to steer clear of being mistaken for a grubby shitshack of a human being. If you find that you are, in fact, a hipster, kindly fixie-bike yourself into the nearest ironically painted set of deer antlers. As a side note, a lot of this has more to do with someone’s “online presence” than real life presence. This is mostly because the idiot youth of today learn more about people virtually than actually, and as such the proliferation of instagramming, blog writing (see that? IRONY), amateur video tutorial making blowhards are giving all of us a bad name. What you do in your own house all by yourself without sharing (or only sharing within your real life social circle) is your own business and you can feel only the feelings you want to about it.

1. Don’t make shit out of nasty old bedsheets or “vintage” sweaters. There is a time and place for reusing almost any material imaginable. There are a number of t-shirt crafts out there, many of which are cute and easy, and can expand your wardrobe at little to no cost. There are in fact many people who solely create out of old items which have outlived their first iteration. And there is fundamentally nothing wrong with this. However. Old bedsheets are gross, and are often ugly. Because of this, hipsters love them. Old sweaters are gross, and are often made of nasty yarn. Old sweaters that are not gross and are made of quality yarn *rarely* make it to the thrift stores because they are passed along, in the family, or to friends or other loved ones. Sometimes idiots cut up nice sweaters to make felted stuff or stupid legwarmers, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Hipsters genuinely truly love nasty disgusting things and hipsters of a crafty inclination will take something terrible like crusty old bedsheets stained with the horrible secretions of the so-called “greatest” generation and make an ugly blouse out of them. They will unravel the sweat-stained, moth-eaten reject sweater found in the discount bin of their favourite “vintage” store and unravel it to make themselves the world’s most hideous cardigan. Don’t be like this.
2. Don’t half ass things just to be able to say “OMG I’m so DOMESTIC/CREATIVE.” Listen, everyone starts somewhere. There are very, very few people who pick something new up, a sewing pattern or a pair of knitting needles or a paintbrush or a lathe (yes, I know you don’t actually pick up lathes) and are immediately good enough at it to show off. That’s okay and expected. The wonderful thing about the information age is that you can find resources to learn how to do almost anything. And if you have a job and some disposable income (or if you’re a hipster, if you can trick your idiot boomer parents into cashing out some of that 401k and dropping it into that gaping black hole you call “self-discovery”) you can get quality materials from almost anywhere, to make almost anything. So why in the world are you content to slap some glitter glue on twigs, glue those to a canvas covered with melted crayon, and call yourself an artist? For real, there was a pinterest pin floating around a few weeks ago to make a watermelon skirt, and the whole deal was a pink skirt with green ribbon sewn around the bottom and black faux leather seed shapes HOT GLUED on to the skirt. Someone painted an upholstered armchair with LATEX PAINT mixed with fabric medium. What the actual fuck? Hipsters like to brag, and like to talk about how smart they are and how good they are at everything, including “crafting” and “being domestic.” Don’t be that asshole that makes one chunky garter stitch scarf and then says that they could “totally knit that” every time you’re out shopping with a buddy. Take some pride in to learning how to do something and developing actual skill.
3. Stop putting chalkboard paint, antlers, and owls on fucking everything. For good measure, let’s also ban Navajo prints (unless you are actually Navajo), huge bows, and dreamcatchers. Seriously:

My above statement holds doubly true for chalkboard paint. I used to like chalkboard paint, until people started putting it on their cheese trays and coffee mugs and EASTER EGGS. And PUMPKINS. AND FUCKING PIANOS.
Here’s a clue hipsters, if everyone is doing it IT’S NOT UNIQUE ANYMORE.

Can I just say, first, how awesome it is to get a pile of spam comments telling me how much useful information they found in my Conversation with Beefcake Mansteed 2 post and that they’ve bookmarked it for reading later? HAHAHA.

So, yesterday we were just hanging out when my brother in law alerted us to a roaming group of hipsters that had taken up temporary residence in the middle of the street near our house. We could tell they were hipsters because 1. they all looked like douchebags with expensive film equipment, and 2. one of them had a boom mic attached to the end of a broom (SO IRONIC OMG SO CREATIVE). We watched as one of them spent about 10 minutes taking photo after photo of our intersection street sign and another one put some stupid sticker on the back of the stop sign (which I took down because I hate hipsters). They then spent another 20 minutes standing in the middle of the street (as cars had to go around them) congratulating each other on how awesome and creative they were. I almost went into full on “get off my lawn” mode. Seriously, these snowflakes/assholes (hey, every asshole is unique too, there are no two identical assholes in all the world!) are not from around here, stop photographing my intersection so that more hipsters come stand outside my house being smug and blocking traffic.

Maybe I sound like a bitter old spinster, but when did it become ok to be a hipster? Did society somehow decide that the best way to achieve all of the human races’ most noble desires was to act like a spoiled, condescending, entitled twat who is somehow better than any normal person without having any actual talent or adding any value to society? It’s now a positive personality trait to talk about how much better you are than everyone else without any ability to back it up, then get whiny when someone calls you on it?

Shit, I fucking hate hipsters. I can’t wait for goth to make a comeback. Or emo. At least those kids keep to themselves.