March, 2012

Why is my oatmeal testing me like this?

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

Okay, so if you are either a relatively healthy person, a “healthy living blog” hate-reader, or a pinterest user looking at the food boards, you know that oatmeal is a big deal on the internets right now.

Well, cool. I don’t put a million gross things in my oatmeal to make it not taste like oatmeal, and I sure as shit don’t EAT IT COLD OUT OF A MASON JAR because that’s fucking gross. I do like oatmeal though, preferably the paper packet variety, and if I’m feeling fancy, a few cranberries.

I recently procured some Roundy’s fruit and creme variety of oatmeal and took a packet to work. I noticed something odd…

Is my oatmeal going to judge me if I get it wrong?

So, this is pretty strange. Why in the world someone designing food packaging for a generic-food company decided that what that oatmeal packet really needed to stand out in the world of oatmeal packets was some trivia is completely beyond me, but I’ll play along. What DO minnows have in their throat?


WHO in their fucking mind thought that having a trivia question about FISH WITH TOOTHY THROATS was appropriate reading material for someone trying to make and eat their breakfast? Oh, you were going to eat that, well instead how about you enjoy some HORRIFYING MENTAL IMAGERY OF FISH WITH TEETH IN THEIR THROATS?

I haven’t eaten the oatmeal yet. And I’m kind of terrified to check the other packets.

Don’t craft like a hipster.

Friday, March 16th, 2012

One of my employees recently commented to me that making one’s own clothing seemed like an awfully hipsterish thing to do. Now, I didn’t get too upset with him because he’s clearly stupid, but I thought “well, if he thinks this, there are probably other people who think this too.” As someone who has invested a lot of time, thought, patience, blood, and money into making stuff, including my own clothing, and as someone who fucking hates hipsters, it is in my best interest, and also to the benefit of innocent crafters, artisans, and artists everywhere that I lay out some distinctions between us, and worthless hipsters making stupid shit. I refuse to sit by and let myself, and my compatriots, be painted with such a broad brush. Should you be in question of whether you are a crafter/artisan/artist or a worthless hipster, simply follow the below guidelines to steer clear of being mistaken for a grubby shitshack of a human being. If you find that you are, in fact, a hipster, kindly fixie-bike yourself into the nearest ironically painted set of deer antlers. As a side note, a lot of this has more to do with someone’s “online presence” than real life presence. This is mostly because the idiot youth of today learn more about people virtually than actually, and as such the proliferation of instagramming, blog writing (see that? IRONY), amateur video tutorial making blowhards are giving all of us a bad name. What you do in your own house all by yourself without sharing (or only sharing within your real life social circle) is your own business and you can feel only the feelings you want to about it.

1. Don’t make shit out of nasty old bedsheets or “vintage” sweaters. There is a time and place for reusing almost any material imaginable. There are a number of t-shirt crafts out there, many of which are cute and easy, and can expand your wardrobe at little to no cost. There are in fact many people who solely create out of old items which have outlived their first iteration. And there is fundamentally nothing wrong with this. However. Old bedsheets are gross, and are often ugly. Because of this, hipsters love them. Old sweaters are gross, and are often made of nasty yarn. Old sweaters that are not gross and are made of quality yarn *rarely* make it to the thrift stores because they are passed along, in the family, or to friends or other loved ones. Sometimes idiots cut up nice sweaters to make felted stuff or stupid legwarmers, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Hipsters genuinely truly love nasty disgusting things and hipsters of a crafty inclination will take something terrible like crusty old bedsheets stained with the horrible secretions of the so-called “greatest” generation and make an ugly blouse out of them. They will unravel the sweat-stained, moth-eaten reject sweater found in the discount bin of their favourite “vintage” store and unravel it to make themselves the world’s most hideous cardigan. Don’t be like this.
2. Don’t half ass things just to be able to say “OMG I’m so DOMESTIC/CREATIVE.” Listen, everyone starts somewhere. There are very, very few people who pick something new up, a sewing pattern or a pair of knitting needles or a paintbrush or a lathe (yes, I know you don’t actually pick up lathes) and are immediately good enough at it to show off. That’s okay and expected. The wonderful thing about the information age is that you can find resources to learn how to do almost anything. And if you have a job and some disposable income (or if you’re a hipster, if you can trick your idiot boomer parents into cashing out some of that 401k and dropping it into that gaping black hole you call “self-discovery”) you can get quality materials from almost anywhere, to make almost anything. So why in the world are you content to slap some glitter glue on twigs, glue those to a canvas covered with melted crayon, and call yourself an artist? For real, there was a pinterest pin floating around a few weeks ago to make a watermelon skirt, and the whole deal was a pink skirt with green ribbon sewn around the bottom and black faux leather seed shapes HOT GLUED on to the skirt. Someone painted an upholstered armchair with LATEX PAINT mixed with fabric medium. What the actual fuck? Hipsters like to brag, and like to talk about how smart they are and how good they are at everything, including “crafting” and “being domestic.” Don’t be that asshole that makes one chunky garter stitch scarf and then says that they could “totally knit that” every time you’re out shopping with a buddy. Take some pride in to learning how to do something and developing actual skill.
3. Stop putting chalkboard paint, antlers, and owls on fucking everything. For good measure, let’s also ban Navajo prints (unless you are actually Navajo), huge bows, and dreamcatchers. Seriously:

My above statement holds doubly true for chalkboard paint. I used to like chalkboard paint, until people started putting it on their cheese trays and coffee mugs and EASTER EGGS. And PUMPKINS. AND FUCKING PIANOS.
Here’s a clue hipsters, if everyone is doing it IT’S NOT UNIQUE ANYMORE.

Point/Counterpoint 1

Friday, March 9th, 2012


A: “I had this drink at the bar last night, called Sex with an Alligator.”

D: “What?”

A: “Sex with an Alligator.”

D: “Why would you name it that?  You can’t have sex with an alligator!”

A: “Listen, I didn’t name it that.  Don’t blame me.  The bottom is cherry whatever…”

D: “Cherry…whatever?”

A: “McGillicuddy’s or whatever.  Then Midori, then coconut rum.  Not Malibu, it’s kind of creamy like coconut milk.  Then Jag.”

D: “That sounds revolting.”

A: “You know what?  It kind of is.  I need to find a new bar.”



D: “Right now I’m sourcing food-grade lavender, I found a recipe for honey-lavender simple syrup, and a recipe for a lavender-syrup rusty nail.”

A: “Gross.  Isn’t lavender a smell?”